Counseling Our Youth

Over the last 5-10 years, we have seen some new “movements” pop up that are increasingly hostile towards kids. One is known as being a “DINK,” or a dual-income no-kids family. This movement sees kids as an enemy to the would-be parents’ selfish desires for jobs, traveling, and wealth. We have parents who want to be less than and be their children's best friend. Abortions continue to be on the rise even after the victory of overturning Roe V. Wade in the Senate. Women are seeking abortions for many reasons, but each one is built on selfish desires. Then we see the rise of social media, rage-baiting, and anonymous accounts, enabling people to be different people with zero accountability.

These cultural phenomena (DINK, friend-zone parenting, selfish desires, etc.) are symptoms of a deeper cultural loss: the rejection of God's design for the family. This has left a generation of youth vulnerable to temptation and without godly guides, creating an urgent discipleship vacuum that requires intentional, biblical intervention. As Biblical counselors, we would do well to develop a need for counseling youth and a process for the work ahead. In this post, I intend to establish the need for counseling our youth and a process for counselors to consider in their practice. To begin, let’s look a little deeper at the spiritual battle and systemic challenges that make this need so urgent.

The Need

Our youth today, just like the youth of all past generations, are full of youthful passions and idols such as peers, sports, popularity in school, self-image, vehicles (at the right age), and a whole assortment of other idols. Sound familiar? Much like their parents and everyone else on this earth, our youth have a lot going on inside their hearts. Needless to say, our youth are just like you and me, normal people with a sinful bent in our hearts to focus on self rather than God. Their trials, troubles, and temptations are common to man (1 Cor. 10:13). Kids are not, and should not, be seen as some enemy to conquer or a distraction from our own selfish intentions. Instead, they are blessings from God, who need our help.

Paul Tripp rightly notes that, “There is a battle raging in the lives of young people, but it is not the battle of biology. It is an intensely spiritual battle, a battle for the heart.”^[1] Paul tells young Timothy in 2 Timothy 2:22 that he must flee these youthful passions and pursue godliness instead. This is that battle taking place within our hearts, a battle for righteousness, that we all deal with. The youth are no different. They are fighting the same spiritual battles that we are, although it may look different; our kids are fighting just like we are.

As parents, we have a high calling to shepherd and guide our children, to prepare them to move out of our care, to become adults on their own. “You are God’s instrument of help and preparation as your child makes his or her final steps out of the home and into God’s world.”^[2] Unfortunately, with the growing hostility towards our kids, many parents see this as an obstacle that they must conquer rather than an opportunity to be used by God to shape and prepare the next generation of disciple makers.

Paul Tripp also rightly says that, “The place to begin as we build a biblical understanding of parenting our teenagers is to reject the dark, foreboding cynicism of our culture. Yes, the teen years are years of change, insecurity, and tumult, yet these are the very things that God uses to bring truth to light in the eyes of our children.”^[3] As parents, we must reject the idea that our kids are somehow our enemies in this world or some trial to overcome. Psalm 127:3 states, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” If this is the way that God speaks about children, we should too. We should have a desire to help them become more like Christ.

The spiritual reality is that our children are engaged in a heart battle, and the cultural reality is that many parents are not equipped to lead them through it. Therefore, the necessity of intervention from a biblical perspective is apparent.

A Process for Counselors

So, as biblical counselors, how do we help the parents and the youth? Is there a foolproof method of raising kids that guarantees success? “The biblical answer to this question is No, there are no foolproof methods of parenting. That’s because there are other factors at work in our children’s lives, and because none of us ever perfectly parents our children.”^[4] But God has not left us without help and instructions. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Likewise, Deuteronomy 6:6-9 reminds us of our duty to internalize the Word of God for ourselves, then teach it to our kids and help them do the same.

We must begin with a proper theology of parenting. Parents need to understand how to be parents and what God’s design for the family looks like. I grew up in a broken home; no one taught me about godly family dynamics or how to be a parent. In turn, when I became a parent, I found myself in the same position. But by God’s grace, I decided to change that and learned all I could about parenting so I could teach my kids and grandkids.

Paul Tripp gives three goals for parents —also for counselors who counsel children —to pursue while raising teenagers: teach them to fear God, see themselves accurately, and teach them to act wisely while doing good.[5] This may seem like a lot, but small steps forward are still progress. The point here is not to achieve success in the first week, but to see improvement over the years as you raise your children. A second strategy from Paul Tripp is to have “continual conversations” with your children, even when they don’t seem to want to talk.[6] This takes a lot of work sometimes, but the truth is, you can’t help fix the problems you know nothing about. Communication is key in every relationship, especially in those with our kids. Paul Tripp’s third strategy is to lead your children to repentance. Teach them early what repentance looks like and sounds like.

When it comes to counseling youth, it might sound or look different, but it is essentially the same process. If our youth are truly facing common issues that other kids —and some adults —are dealing with, then our counsel ought to be the same. They need to know who they are in Christ, what a godly life looks like, and to look to God for their needs rather than looking inward or outward towards the world. We do this by gathering data, processing it into information, and showing them the contrast between their current lives and what Scripture says using the “put-off/put-on” process. We call them to repentance when needed and teach them to forgive as they have been forgiven. They are normal people with everyday problems in which God’s Word provides an answer.

Conclusion

In conclusion, there is a real need for biblical counselors to look at counseling our youth and our parents. There is a real danger on the rise, with hostility towards kids growing and social media enabling it. We must start with the parents, reorienting them to a biblical view of the family and parenting. Then we can begin helping the children, as parents and counselors, grow in godliness, with a focus on the future as disciple-makers. God has not left us to do this alone; we have each other and the church —the most prominent family ever. We also have God’s Word to guide us in everything we do.

^[1] Tripp, Paul David. Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. Revised and Expanded, P&R Publishing, 2022, pp. 15–16.

^[2] Ibid. p. 21.

^[3] Ibid. pp. 24–25.

^[4] Newheiser, Jim. “Why Do Kids Turn out the Way They Do?” The Journal of Biblical Counseling, Number 3, Summer 2005, edited by David A. Powlison, vol. 23, The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation, 2005, p. 22.

[5] Age of Opportunity. Pg. 196

[6] Ibid. Pg. 200