Listen up: The importance of active listening and understanding

Have you ever been in a counseling session or helping a friend through a problem, only to find yourself talking and fixing more than listening and understanding? These situations happen more often than we might like to admit. Sometimes, we think our answer is the perfect one or a “cure-all” for all the challenges we face. But if it were that straightforward, we wouldn’t need counselors, pastors, and friends to support us.

James reminds us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (James 1:19) because it’s a healthy way to support and connect with others. Conversely, when we fail to listen and rush to speak, it's easy to get angry quickly. Often, we might respond with a quick fix or a Bible verse, trying to solve the problem or make a point, but that’s not what the person struggling needs, and as a result, our anger starts to boil. Our feelings can sometimes control us, but recognizing this can help us choose more caring responses. Below are 6 reasons to promote deeper listening and understanding with people rather than rushing to speak.

6 Reasons to Grow in Listening and Understanding

Reflecting the Character of God

First, active listening reflects the character of God. Psalm 34:7 reflects this well, saying, “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles.” God is a listener for His people, and He loves for us to come to Him with all our problems. God is also a most understanding God, as He knows our hearts better than we know them. God speaks of this in Jeremiah 17:10, “I, the Lord, examine the mind, I test the heart to give to each according to his way, according to what his actions deserve.” While we may never listen and understand as perfectly as God does, as counselors, we should humbly strive to improve in this crucial area of the counseling process.

Adhering to the Principle of Love

The second important aspect is to cultivate a genuine love for people in a way that truly seeks to understand their struggles, perspectives, hurts, and situations. In Matthew 22:37-39, we're reminded that loving God and loving our neighbors are the greatest commands. It is also important to understand that love isn’t just passive; it actively looks out for the good of others. Love encourages us to better understand our spouses, children, friends, and counselees. It’s also full of compassion. Romans 12:15 calls us to rejoice with those who rejoice and to weep with those who weep. That’s the heart of compassion — it comes from a genuine willingness to listen and understand. 

Diagnosing the Heart

Third, active listening and understanding help us to diagnose the heart properly. Proverbs 20:5 says, “Counsel in a person’s heart is deep water; but a person of understanding draws it out.” It takes time and patience to gently uncover what’s in a person’s heart and share it in a kind, loving way that can inspire change. This is a skill that grows through truly listening and understanding their struggles. Idols and sinful patterns are deeply rooted within the heart, but by listening and showing compassion, we can identify and address them. Learning about a person’s unique story helps us see how misplaced trust may have led them astray. With patience and heartfelt understanding, we can guide people back onto the path God intends for them and help them develop a renewed trust in Him—perhaps unlike anything they’ve experienced before.

Applying Scripture with Wisdom

The fourth way active listening and understanding support us as counselors is by helping us apply Scripture wisely and appropriately. Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all formula in Scripture for every situation we might encounter. It’s important not to use proof texts without genuinely understanding the person and what they’re going through. Just as we need to grasp the context of the Scripture passage we’re sharing, we also need to understand the person’s context—their life, struggles, and challenges. It’s tempting to tell a husband he needs to love his wife during a heated argument, or to remind a wife she should respect her husband because Ephesians 5:33 says so. While those things are true, without truly listening and understanding, we might miss the deeper issues—the desires and struggles behind the conflict (James 4:1-3).  To be truly biblical in our counseling, we must actively listen and understand those we counsel.

Fostering Trust and Relationship

The fifth reason to actively listen and understand people is that people are indeed more willing to listen to and trust those who genuinely listen to them. When a person feels heard and understood, they are more likely to trust the person listening and understanding them. Listening shows our care and respect for those seeking help. If we truly see people as fellow image bearers, our goal should be to nurture this trust and respect through listening and understanding. When this trust starts to fade, the person might stop coming and look elsewhere for support.

Preventing Superficial Solutions

Finally, practicing active listening and genuine understanding can help us avoid offering superficial solutions to those who are really going through tough times. Without truly listening and understanding, we tend to provide only quick fixes that might not address the root of the problem. However, when we listen attentively and seek to understand, we can uncover deeper issues within a person's heart and offer more meaningful solutions that can lead to lasting change. Many people come with distorted views of God, themselves, others, and the reasons behind their struggles. The best way to help is to listen carefully, understand their perspective, and respond with patience and gentle care.

Conclusion

By actively listening to and understanding our counselees, we can better care for them and love them the way God desires. Developing deeper listening and understanding isn't as easy as it sounds, but with the Holy Spirit and God's wisdom, we can reach a level of listening and understanding that is truly helpful.

Question for reflection:

How do you actively cultivate an atmosphere of listening and understanding?